Posts tagged hope
First Christmas Letter For Addy
Christmas is a time of sharing, giving and forgiving. It is the time for the family to be complete. I have been waiting for this day to came, since it’s my precious Addy’s first Christmas. Addy’s Christmas may not be perfect, but still it is full of love and peace. Despite all of my worries and fears, I know in time Addy can say that his First Christmas is still the greatest…Addy can still say that his First Christmas is still perfect because he’s with mommy I am doing my best to provide you with that, but there are things that I have come to realize that you will have to find for yourself. I can only tell you about them.

I have loved you from the very first time that I realized that I m carrying you in my womb. My heart filled with joy at each flutter and kick. Then, when you were born, I used to hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep while singing whatever sweet tune filled my heart. I have tried to show you with every breath how much you mean to me. I have tried to give you affection and attention every day of your life. i will never get tired of loving you Addy. You keep mommy alive. You are the one who gives me thousands of reasons to wake up each morning and go to work. 

I have never been the best at problem solving. I have never been one that would stand up for myself when I should have. I let my problems get me down, but I will try to teach you to be different from me. I want you to be strong, independent and confident. I want you to be better and bolder than I ever could have been, That way, when problems come into you life, you will be able to handle them with honor and decency. I want that for you.

Whatever inspires you in life, go for it. Don't let any one tell you that you cannot reach your stars. If they were unreachable, they would not be yours. Just please be realistic about your hopes and dreams. Your dreams are not going to fall in your lap. You will have to work hard to achieve them, but don't give up. Don't lose faith in yourself. Whatever it is that you want in life, you can have. You just have to believe that you are worthy to have it and don't be afraid to go after it. mommy will always be by your side honey to help you, give you moral support for you to achieve your aspirations in life 

I wish nothing but love and peace in your life. I know that they will not always come, but know that it is possible. When you are old enough to find that special someone in life that you want to share all of your hopes and dreams, failures and successes, and laughter and tears with, hold on to them. True love is fading away in this world. If fate leads you to it, don't be afraid to take it and hold on to it. i want you to grow up as a true gentleman.

Never let anyone force you into being someone that you are not. Be who you are. Remember that you were born in love and you grew up in love and that is the path that you should follow. Find you strengths and don't be ashamed of your weaknesses. Hold your head up high. 

Believe me honey, there will always be someone in life that will treat you wrong. Take it with a grain of salt. It may leave a bitter taste in your mouth, but you can always spit it out later. Don't let anger and hatred take you to places that you don't want to go. If you fill yourself with these negative emotions, then you leave little or no room for any thing positive.

Whatever and wherever you go in life, ALWAYS remember that I LOVE YOU. If there was one thing that I could do in life to shield you from one day's harm,I would do it without hesitation. I would lay down my life just to make you smile- if that's what it would take. I have struggled and sacrificed every day just to keep you happy and safe, and if I were able to go back and start my life again, despite our situation now, I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING. I would gladly do it all over again for you. You are my reasons for getting up in the morning. You are reasons for trying so hard to in life. Without, I would have no one to love. I just hope that you love me at least a little. ALWAYS remember that i am trying my best to be a good mom and dad to you. 

Well, that is all that I have to say for now. I hope that you read my words and know that you are loved. I hope that the joys that you have given me life, come back to you ten fold, and that the sorrows that I have faced, never come to you. These are words from my heart to yours. Take them in and keep them in a special place inside of you. You are my world Addy. I love you no matter what you do or where you may end up going in life. I am not ashamed of you. i am not ashamed of what we are right now. I am proud to have you. I have one beautiful son. I have a loving son. i know one day you will understand, and i hope when that day comes, you will also say that you love me too..

Will love you always,
Unknown Emails
Back to blogging, just proves that shit is again just around the corner.

Has been a long time since I last wrote my heart out and now I can't even find the right words or emotions for the reason why I wanted to write again.

Could be...

Rage? Yeah, I'm in rage. I am not hurt, for hurt is such a weak word, I am angry. I want to explode and let all the anger out. I want the whole world to know that I am so pissed yet I remain quiet. I want to create a scene, a scene that all who'll witness will not forget and the look of rage in my face will be etched in the mind of everyone who'll see. But. I know I shouldn't. I know I should take the high road and be the better person. I know exploding will just cause more harm, more rage, more suspicions than good.

Or may be,

Alone? Yes, I am alone. I am surrounded by the bestest friends in the world but I still can't help but feel alone. Everyone seems to be there for me yet I am not where everyone seems to be. I know I have my little boy but still, I cant help times, i still feel alone..

Or just..

Broken? I definitely am broken. I've been broken a number of times before. Have been repaired. But somehow, once you break no matter how hard you try to mend yourself, no matter who tries to fix you, no matter how long you try to patch and heal the broken pieces of you, you will always be broken and may never be restored to your true form. And, so am I.


Damaged? Too deeply damaged. I've been mocked, ridiculed, be-littled and jeered at by people who consider themselves righteous, that I would guess would not even understand a single word in this blog and was not taught the Subject-Verb agreement way back in high school but still, I again remained silent. I've been talked about for things other people doesn't even know of. Painful words have been thrown at me. Words that I know I am not and I could never be. Knowing myself, I could easily fight back for which I have all the right to, yet I didn't. IT"S BECAUSE OF ADDY....BUT calling my son "BASTARD" is a different thing...

May be

Deprived? Deprived by my own moral standards. Deprived of my own happiness. Deprived of doing what I want or even deprived of just wanting it. Deprived of following my heart. Deprived of things that could turn out to be a bridge to happiness, to contentment, to peace of mind.

But still

Hopeful. I know deep down, though the end may still be far away, there would be light at the end of this tunnel. Strong as I may be now, I know, I can still be stronger, I can pick myself up, and though broken, damaged, amd deprived but no longer angry, I have faith that I can be truly happy, of peace and contented.

I know, I have to do this...for me and addy.....